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| I remember it was raining outside, when i saw him.
this man was utterly soaked from head to toe.
with his face concealed under the hat's rim,
I was unable to tell whether he was a friend or foe.
as he came closer i clearly saw his raw unshaven face.
with his sullen eyes he searched at a frantic pace,
perhaps for another to share his cruel fate
or worse, as he approached the last gate.
he gasped in his ghastly voice,
"You have a choice,
what you do next will decide it all."
this is when I wondered whether he was sane at all.
like a sudden gust of wind in the fall,
he cast it away, skittering across the floor.
just like that, he turned and faced the door.
he muttered a few words that I could not recall.
"Sir" I said, "did you drop something?"
he replied "I don't care, not anymore."
and I stood there thinking,
what could this be? it was something I've seen before!
as if boulders had been lifted off his shoulders,
he seemed relieved and started to walk.
the sun was shining and this peculiar man was smiling,
of course, I was still too stunned to talk.
I opened the box the stranger left me,
the thing inside was unexpectedly heavy.
it was labeled; "Pride."
suddenly I understood what had died.
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| thank you for the sweetest of dreams.
if fate would show me generosity,
then some day we'll be together like coffee and cream.
yet there is no truth better than honest reality.
please don't tell me the words i want to hear
it'll only hurt more when the end is near.
between us, there isn't much other than silence
i must gain greater strength from this solace.
through delusions of fantasy
and cold hearted reality,
grows a certain chasm in the depths of my heart.
a specific darkness that i can't seem to part.
with it i can seek and climb new heights,
alas i doubt anyone can see my plight.
i have to carry this burden alone
praying that perhaps one day i can atone.
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| it is an undeniable feeling beyond exhilaration;
every time you hug me, that familiar rush comes back.
you make me feel more alive with the tightening firmness of your embrace.
as if with each passing moment, life flows back into my beating heart.
the words that you whisper into my ear gives me strength to carry on.
empowers me to look towards tomorrow's sunrise,
to fight against the tides and currents of life.
you are my proof that blessings do exist.
sometimes when we are together i often wonder if im actually awake;
your touch; savored with each passing moment.
your kiss;
the sense of bliss, like a paradise as it were.
im afraid to open my eyes, for when the dream is over
you might not be there next to me.
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| i think this post is more or less what i wanted to say in the last one.
Chiang Tien Yeung - "I ALWAYS know who I am, where I am, and what I have to do." Young and Dangerous V.
i feel the need to reaffirm my identity. i feel the need to voice out my thoughts in words. please feel free to disagree and voice your differences as it is only a matter of opinion. so.. here goes.
personally, i think that there are only three things anyone needs. one; money. money is power. with money anything can be done. food, entertainment, cigarettes, travel. you name it. money cant buy love, but money will guarantee you a good time. i.e. happy ending! two; love. be it love from companions, friends, or family. the day can be stressing, wouldn't it be nice to have someone to have and hold? unwind from the pressures of life, and to relax without a care in the world? your friends; your boys or your girls, whichever way applies to you. who gives better support than them? feeling down? no problem. we got your back. three; desire. how else will you be able to move forward without the thirst for the better?
a job is absolutely the prerequisite for money. getting money from your parents is one thing but actually earning it is another. with the money that you've earned, you can say; "this is my money, i've earned it. i deserve it." the times are different, it's rather difficult to chill without money. back in the day, call up your friends (with the home phone of course LOL) and meet up at the park. spend a couple hours playing ball and straight up chillin. nowadays, especially since I'm 20, hit up the bar, and you know for a fact, you better have a good amount in the wallet.
emotional support is essential to the things that you do. the sense of companionship is a unique feeling. just the thought alone of having someone there for you, is already special in it's own right. there's a lot of people who live on this world, having a select few that can recharge your spiritual energy is incomparable. would you not agree, if i said a refreshed mind is a lot sharper than a stressed one? what better way is there to rejuvenate yourself than spending your time with those closest and around you?
desire. there is no greater motivating power than this. you want what your heart aches for, what your soul screams for, what YOU, yourself wants. desire is what empowers you to reach whatever that is that you've set your eyes upon. if you want greatness, if you want money, if you want companionship, then you need to want it badly enough in order to do something about it.
i check my horoscopes because i find them interesting. i checked mine under careers/finance, and this is what it said. "Being stubborn has its advantages. You've hung on for the long haul, and now it's time for some dividends. Sit back and watch those old seeds blossom." i've been working since i was 15 and from the moment i was told that i was hired, i promised myself that my next job cannot pay less than this one. my first job, was a tutor at ISS. [to all my fellow ABCs: yeeeahhh, what chu know about that?] i was paid minimum, and later on raised to about 6 an hour. i left for a bank job at WaMu when i was 16. got paid 8 an hour. after two years, i went on to uniqlo for 10. i was passively job hunting for awhile.. obviously without much progress. afterwards, i went for banana republic. when the hiring manager offered me 9.50, with a possible raise after 3 months, and my hours based on my success with card openings, i had to decline. i couldn't function with these unstable factors. after being unemployed for a period of almost two years, here i am.. currently employed by chase. now you see where the relation is with my life and my horoscope.
as for companionship, i've seen a good number of friends come and go. there are those who i am honored to know or have known. they have been there for me, most of the time in my hour of need. though i have a habit of not revealing everything to everyone, i like my 5th amendment rights. [once again, i apologize for the fiasco of summer 2007.] just because i don't share, doesn't mean that i don't care. =)
desire, dreams, goals, they all correlate. why am i going in to business? in my humble opinion, i feel that business is the quickest way to make money. i need money to look after my parents when they retire. they've worked to feed me, to care for me, to raise me. i feel that it's only reasonable that i should do the same for them. "Mom, Dad, i think it's time for you two to relax and let me provide for you." i want a family of my own. i want to see and travel around the world. i want power. i want respect. i want to be a part of upper society, but i wouldn't want to pay my taxes then. stupid IRS. i want to enjoy the finer things in life. i want kids and a loving wife. i want a happy life. such things are almost unattainable without money. even if i'm not rich, i can still have kids and a loving wife. still... money is required for these things to be possible.
so.. after explaining all that, i personally feel that.. i always have two of the three. its almost as if the third piece is always just beyond my reach. desire is always with me, it's what makes us human. money and people are the ones who tag team in and out of my life. when i say people, that's probably in a very general way of putting it. theres family, they've been in and out always. the friends, same as well. a bit of a misunderstanding here and there, okay. i seriously dislike being played for the fool. i treat almost everyone with the same or better amount of respect they show me. just how many of you, have seen me truly angry? and of that, how many times have you seen me angry compared to the people you know? the lovers, i cant say i regret some of them, because my views have definitely been changed due to my experiences with them. i seriously doubt there is one person out there who can say "i've never seen better days." money money money. us working class folk can definitely use more. i don't know about you or your Gucci boots with the fur, but i know what my money is worth. i've got debts i need to clear lol.
material wants and needs. if you don't have those, then you're probably a monk. a life without desire. imagine that. i've been called a real 'down to earth' person, (thanks haha.) but i feel it's just more of a personal thing. i enjoy peace and quiet. a bit of nightlife doesn't hurt either. i like to have a good balance in just about every aspect of life. alas living would lose it's value if one could attain all that they set their eyes upon.
well... i think i'm going to conclude here. enjoy the pains and pleasures of life. take a look 10 years down the line and reflect. it helps you to remind yourself; who you are, where are you, and what do you have to do. whether or not you've read this far, i wish you, from the bottom of my heart and soul, the very best in the things that you do. be it as pleasurable and painless as it possibly could be. thank you. =]
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| im not asking you to read this, so do as you wish.
okay, so im getting old and im beginning to feel it. i dont like where im going, most certainly i dont like where i am. i tell people "if you dont like it, then do something about it." only this time, things arent exactly in my hands. i had one of those dreams where i wake up on top of an unfinished skyscraper, hanging on those I-beams with no easy way of going down. my father was with me. i asked him, "dad, how am i gonna get down?" he said; "sorry, cant help you there." i looked around and realized the one that i was on, had no place for me to climb. i felt the wind whip my face and i was hoping that my strength to hold on wouldn't give out on me. i knew i was trapped and i had no where to go. with the way i was hanging, i had no leverage to climb and even stand on my own two feet. if i let go, its over. i didnt look down but i knew if i fell, it'll be a long trip even on the express way by falling. so i did what all humans do, find a temporary means of escape. thus i forced myself to wake up and i did.
i have trouble sleeping at night. there are many things that keep me up. one comes from the fear of dreams, that i may never wake up and be forever trapped in a nightmare. i am honestly not doing well in school. im not doing as well as i should. my brother wants me to be the first male in the family to graduate from college in the expected time and im afraid i cant meet that expectation. (the women in our family are something else. my sister has her bachelor's/bachelorette's? in one of the sciences) another is that i've been jobless for over a year now, and i continue to spend. though my father supports my living expenses, the feeling is utterly wretched. i mean seriously, i've been working since i was 15 and was able to pay my bills and live my life according to my standards. after a two year contracted internship, i found myself jobless. i've solemnly sworn to myself and my pride, that i would never work a job that paid less than the previous one. i know that whittles down my options, makes me stuck up, and makes growth difficult. but then again if you think about it, how will i obtain greatness without a powerful drive? how will i be anything if i settle for less? i've always had a habit of planning ahead, i have a knack for anticipating things and then compensating for it. i havent been able to do so with my near-future for awhile now. things feel different. i sit here until sunrise because i know i can get more accomplished here than lying in bed, tossing and turning for hours before i can finally fall asleep. a few months ago, all i had to do was plug my ears with headphones and listen to a couple songs on the ipod, and it'll work like a charm. not any more, not any more.
when im lying down on my bed, i tend to stare at the ceiling, thinking about things and how they could've been different. i try to find the comfy spot and sleep, but as you know the mind likes to wander. i know its useless to mope about the past because theres nothing that can be done to change it. unless of course, someone discovers the secret of time travel. believe me, i would pay any cost to go on a trip with the ghost of christmas past. its been several years now and i still cant seem to let go. i know the things she does for me is only to make me happy. things dont feel right and i cant exactly word it out right now. its almost been a month since i've last talked to her and the pain becomes a bit more familiar with each passing day.
another thing that bothers me is people. i hate the fact that there are those who cant think logically for a minute while standing. people who are so stuck up on their egos that they dont take a moment to consider how things look on the other side of the hill. is the grass really greener on the other side? no not always. not everyone is blessed with all that they ever wanted. there are those who literally sweat balls to make ends meet, think about that. im not going to list any names because it would be childish of me to do so, and also out of a sense of respect. if you're reading this and dont like or have a problem with what im saying, you're more than welcome to contact me and ill tell it to you straight up. i dont think im better than anyone, i just think that you need a reality check. like seriously your penis isnt that big, so stop acting like it is =) as a matter of fact, im going to be honest with you here on the spot. i dont have one. its so microscopic that even bacteria would seem like a giant to it. (i wonder how i pee LOL) okay? now you dont have to feel bad and for once feel superior. [it seems like ive strayed from the point of this segment. please take a moment to read the line in bold to remind yourself. thanks!] i dont know why im addressing bits of this to people who'll never read it, save one or two.
okay, one more about people and then im going to move on. respect means a great deal to me. everywhere i go, people that i meet, i've always shown respect to everyone. well when it comes to a joke here and there, its okay. there are certain times when a sense of dignity should be maintained. yes im admitting it. i cant take a joke sometimes but i trust that some should definitely have the sense to tell the difference between the times to be mature and to kid around. for one, i hate those who take advantage of their 'bros' with a passion. the fact that you would go so low to do something like that is just despicable. "im only friends with you because i want to bang the cutie next to you." or "im only friends with you because you're useful to me." this is the sort of trash that makes me sick to my stomach. more or less, i show you the same amount of respect you show me. once you've reached that limit of crossing the line, im going to reevaluate the friendship between us, and if i've had it, then i've had it. im not even going to bother anymore. seems childish, but hey its one problem off my shoulders. i can honestly care less because it really isnt going to an issue anymore. goodbye and farewell.
ive lost whatever motivation i had for writing this. heres to sleeping well and not waking up screaming.
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